What your football boots say about you
Quite obviously, you need to wear football boots when playing football. It’s a must. A builder does not start work on a building site without his tools, a carpenter cannot do his job without a hammer. A footballer cannot play football without boots, regardless of the level they play at.
Most avid participants of the beautiful game will spend hours upon hours carefully selecting their next pair of boots, for it is much more than just a decision based around comfort and affordability; it is much, much bigger than that.
The boots you wear are a statement. They tell a story about who you are, what kind of player you are when you cross the white lines and what sort of personality you possess. Opponents will size you up and look at your frame, how much tape you decide to wrap around your socks to keep your shin pads in place (if any) and start to build a picture about the kind of person they are up against on matchday.
Above all else, though, they will assess your boots - scrutinising them to the finest detail. I’ve done it my entire life, and chances are, you’ve done it too. Here’s what your choice of football boots says about YOU.
Nike Mercurial Vapor
Who Are You?
You’re rapid.
You learnt your trade watching the F2 boys on YouTube and think that Jimmy Bullard is the epitome of comedy. Ronaldo over Messi because Messi has “never done it in the Prem” - you actually believe that to be a genuine point in an argument.
You can do two around-the-worlds in a row without the ball hitting the floor and use up half a reel of tape every matchday, much to the annoyance of your teammates. You’ve got potential, are most likely young and very fit but ultimately your attitude is what will hold you back from making it. Dazzling down Powerleague.
Nike Tiempo
Who Are You?
Amazing in the tackle, if not a little reckless at times.
You have an in-depth knowledge of Serie A but don’t keep up with the English game too much anymore, it’s been ruined by money and greed. Favourite ever player is Andrea Pirlo but that Brazil side from ‘02 is the best there’s ever been, in your humble opinion.
Intelligent, on and off the pitch. Good at pub quizzes but not flash about it. Absolutely zero pace but you make up for it with passing accuracy and incredible endurance. Can’t play 5-a-side because the knees don’t agree with 4G. You’re 32.
Pantofola d’Oro (Any Blackout Boot)
Who Are You?
You are really smart and very cool.
A friend of a friend that was drafted in to play 5-a-side one week because the team were short and have been a mainstay ever since. You took the rubber-crumb by storm on your debut, scoring 7 in a 14-6 win. All the lads were in awe of you.
“He’s played semi-pro, you know?” says the friend responsible for bringing you along at half-time in an incredibly smug tone of voice. It’s obvious, you’re a cut above. Passing, shooting, tackling, handsome - you’ve got the lot going on. Your girlfriend is attractive.
Adidas Predator
Who Are You?
Cultured centre-midfielder with a real eye for a pass.
You’re not quick and you’re not agile but my god you can spray a pass 45 yards, right into the winger’s path. Always look to get a shot off on the edge of the box and a lot of the time you’ll at least test the keeper - which is all anyone can ask for, isn’t it?
You’ve won Players’ Player of the Year three years on the spin and have had offers of between £30-45 a game from a side a few leagues above, but you don’t play football for the money, do you?
Diadora Brasil
Who Are You?
You’re obsessed with Gary Neville. No other reason for it.
New Balance Tekela
Who Are You?
You’re a left-back with a bit of pace but not too much. Trim, agile, and have a tendency to wear beanies in the summer. Frequently turn up to the game hungover because you were at a gig the night before, watching some new band nobody’s ever heard of before, drinking craft ales until the early hours.
All of your chinos are cropped and your flat is riddled with mini cactuses and retro prints of your beloved team from the 90s. Football was better back then. Premier League Years is your favourite ever program which means you’re completely normal. You’re actually pretty sound, and make a fantastic coffee.
Umbro Speciali
Who Are You?
Early-noughties Michael Owen was the business, wasn’t he? You love him, Michael, and get ultra-defensive when people slag off his punditry in the modern day. “He’s not boring! If you actually listen to what he’s saying you’d understand”. We have listened to him, Damien, he is boring and so are you. To be fair, you are good at penalties, but you never get the round in after which is a shame.
adidas Copa Mundial
Who Are You?
Cultured. You’re a simple man with simple pleasures. You’ve got a sensible haircut and don’t use tape - claiming it restricts circulation and blood flow, thus hindering your performance.
Immaculately dressed off the pitch. You never get involved in any afters, you don’t lower yourself to that nonsense (and would probably get battered). You’ve played higher but the knees have gone now, you’re just looking to enjoy the game for as long as the missus lets you. Strong in the tackle but fair. You’ve lost your pace but you don’t need pace when you time everything to perfection, do you?
Puma King
Who Are You?
You’re hard. All the lads look for you when it kicks off on the pitch as they’ll know you’ll sort everything out, and you do just that, every time. You’re over six foot, used to be a centre-midfielder but have dropped back into the heart of defence as the years have dwindled on. Fantastic in the air, partially due to your height but mainly because you’re not afraid of messing your hair up, as you haven’t had any for the last 10 years.
Sondico (All)
Who Are You?
You’re either the referee, the linesman, or an unused substitute.
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